how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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