i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
