i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
