Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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