You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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