Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
