you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
