I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
