Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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