I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
