I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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