once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
