So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
