I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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