i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
