What did we do last night that was yellow?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
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Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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