I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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