and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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