You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
