just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
and she was petting her beer can
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
