i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
