My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
