i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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