Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
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I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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