just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
They took my balls.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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