its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
