I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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