I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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