this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
