So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
