just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
