I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
