i can't believe i had my finger in that
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
