Where are you?
In a non slutty way
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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