At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
