Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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