As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
