did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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