Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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