You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
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they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
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"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.