no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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