i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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