hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
