Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
