i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Do vagina's smell?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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