2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
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You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
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If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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