Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You are the jesus of drinking
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
