thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
