I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
