I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
