Whats the glycemic index on semen?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
