I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
